You Do it I Can't Be Bothered

by Various Artists (The Songs of Tom Smith)

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about

You Do It, I Can’t Be Bothered!

The Songs of Tom Smith
(performed by others)

He can’t sing, play guitar or get a gig to save himself. He has an aching nostalgia for the ‘90s’ in Adelaide and the ‘Noughties’ in Brisbane when he could still con his friends into starting bands. Long time ago now but doesn’t stop him wanting to recreate past glories.

Last few years, in desperation to find an audience, Tom has taken to open mic nights, busking and even reciting his song lyrics as performance poetry.

Having failed to connect with an audience in any of these forums, and in an obvious plea for attention, he put up a post on Facebook saying ‘You do it, I can’t be bothered!’ and asked if anyone wanted to have his songs since they were no use to him anymore. At best he was hoping for a few ‘likes’ and maybe a commiseratory comment or two.

He seems to think it’s a great lark and is still happily giving away songs to anyone that wants one.

credits

released September 20, 2014

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The Songs of Tom Smith Brisbane, Australia

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Track Name: Tonna Love to Dump - Volcano Cleaner
Tonna love

Out on the wastes of the never never – gotta tonna love to dump
No one waits for ever and ever – gotta tonna love to dump
It’s embarrassing it don’t keep, it’s not mine don’t look at me
I am busy, can’t you see - I gotta tonna love to dump

gotta tonna love to dump

More than I need at the moment - gotta tonna love to dump
What should I do can someone show me - gotta tonna love to dump
Might come in handy one of these days, so I’m told people say
I should really put it away - gotta tonna love to dump

Feel free to borrow make good use - gotta tonna love to dump
Got ev’ry sort you can choose - gotta tonna love to dump
Keep it’s yours, let’s all share – it’s too much for me to bear
You don’t want it I don’t care - You don’t want it I don’t care

You don’t want it I don’t care - gotta tonna love to dump
gotta tonna love to dump

Where dry heat and death have mated - gotta tonna love to dump
With fiery lust my needs unsated - gotta tonna love to dump
Out here no one has to see – what becomes of love no one needs
It ain’t pretty just let me be - gotta tonna love to dump

gotta tonna love to dump
gotta tonna love
gotta tonna love
gotta tonna love
to dump
Track Name: Failure May be Your Style - The John Hurt Locker
Mother shields me from the world
While Father used it as a threat
I gave up work as a clerk
Posing naked for the sake of art
I’m free for dinner any night
So long as you’re the one to pay
Or exhibition opening night
Free caviar and free champagne


It takes courage to speak out
Come and look up my address
The first homosexual voice
Fielding questions for my guests
Like a ballerina
Farming pigs all your life
So nimble now across the mud
Pigs become you and your style


CHORUS
If at first you don’t succeed


Failure may just be your /style

Bridge
And if there was no praise
And if there was no blame
Who would I be?
And if there was no blame
And if there was no praise
Who would I be?
Would I be me?


People take for granted
All the paths I have paved
The spotlight turned away from me
All I hear about is AIDS
It’s a passing fashion
Backing down would be a lie
I cannot follow fads
I am only into style


CHORUS
Track Name: Hear What the Silence Says - Jo Zealand
Hear what the silence says D Bm
Nothing has me in its hold F#m G
No words are exchanged
There’s a story still untold “

In a house full of books
All the stories have been read
My pages are unthumbed “
I can’t open myself

CHORUS
Fling the doors open wide D Bm
Fill the rooms up with din G A
Any old drama will do
An empty house is full again “

Every book’s been open and closed
Has its place on the shelf
My pages are unthumbed
I can’t open myself

A finished book is a prize
Dust jacket employed
For that one book that slipped your mind
I can make a hell of a noise
Track Name: A Wife Gets in the Way - Kieran Carroll
Pregnant with me she was distraught A A
Mumma overdosed tried to abort me E B
No greater love than your own child
Mother and Dad were proof to the lie “
The Greeks saw the sun go round the earth G G
Copernicus put it in reverse C C
I say damn to the whole universe
It revolves around me, better or worse “

Jimmy Boyle was a gangster released
I loved him more than a father figure
He was a free and dangerous force
I wanted outlaws not in-laws
I told my woman to give sex up
It’s for animals we can rise above
She knew where my weakness lied
Wanted to marry me, got him on side

CHORUS
A wife gets in the way A A
I could never be faithful E E
A wife gets in the way A A
Watch out I need my space E E
A wife gets in the way
I’m in love with someone else
I’m in love with someone else “
I’m in love with myself!

Love’s a delusion that I’m not under
That one woman differs from another
No greater love in the end
Than the love between two men
Monogamy is a sexual perversion
Me and Jimmy were doing the dirty
In the love triangle I didn’t see
My wife and Jimmy cheatin’ on me

CHORUS
Track Name: i'm an Arsehole (Stuck Inside an Nice Guy's Body) - Rich Gohl
So the air-con’s wasting fuel Fmaj7 Fmaj 7
It’s silent in the car and sticky C C
I blast the stereo so loud
You call me a selfish prick now “
You call me a selfish prick like Fmaj7 Fmaj 7

CHORUS
I’m an arsehole C C
But I don’t know how I got here Fmaj7 Fmaj 7
I’m an arsehole
I’m stuck inside a nice guy’s body “

Never lose the argument
I left the beach and all your friends there
You took it as a compliment
Not the insult I intended
Not the insult I intended


CHORUS

Bridge 1
You’re too tired to watch the space Em Em
It’s a fight I’m always up for Am Fmaj7
Not the insult I intended C C
Not the insult I intended Fmaj7 Fmaj7

You will make your own way home
Used your towel then laid on mine
You want me to watch the space
I’ve forgotten how to fight
I’ve forgotten how to fight like

CHORUS

Bridge 1
You’re too tired to watch the space
It’s a fight I’m always up for
Not the insult I intended
Not the insult I intended

Bride 2
Same argument over and over Em Am/Fmaj7
Same argument over and over “
Same argument over and over “
You know I couldn’t care Em…
It’s not all about me Em Am/Fmaj7
It’s not all about me “
It’s not all about me “
But all we share Em…

Not the insult I intended C C
Not the insult I intended Fmaj7 Fmaj7

CHORUS

Not the insult I intended C C
Not the insult I intended Fmaj7 Fmaj7

CHORUS
Track Name: The Call of the Bitch - Home for the Def
They don’t whisper in the corner in breaks, giving you the evil eye
They don’t have minds like the women do, except for those sensitive types
Work with men every time, women flirt with men in power
The men have wives so they don’t lip off, it’s easy to boss them around

My husband brags about his sister, how pretty and smart she is
I got 4 kids and I dropped out of school, she went to college the bitch
She goes away on business trips, big breasts and her tummy’s flat
I never dream my fat arse, could her husband in the sack

CHORUS
The call of the bitch, the call of the bitch
A woman’s gotta survive
The call of the bitch, the trial of the witch
She’ll sacrifice her own kind

If someone’s got an ice cream ice cone, they’re lickin it all of the time
I like to pretend I’m her, so I give it a try
I fucked him – I’m as smart as her, I proved it to myself
He’s a shit lover but I spose I’m worse, when it cam to being a friend
Track Name: Archbishop Ferdinand - Shana Durand
CHORUS
Can’t go back, frozen in time
Can’t stop here melting away
Can’t move on, vapourise
Vapourise, vapourise (vapourise)

Archbishop Ferdinand, once a humble clergyman
Takes a trip down memory lane, in the parish his career began
Flashing lights distract him, if only for a second
Ticking off his checklist, to recall his roots or be damned

Street kids perform here daily, under camera surveillance
Coke bottle sniffed inhalants – punishment rarely refused
With paint in cans of aerosol, not just to serve as medicine
Dissatisfaction’s bounded and grafitti’s the deed of truth

Drinks at the office party, the weekends off and started - once an idea is planted, the girls are set to find
A group of young men herded into a big screen sports bar; luck is not exhausted – return to the scene (of the crime)

CHORUS

Too cautious yet to smile, the ATM pauses silent
Yellow notes all pile up – Quentin could never replace
His violin at the pawn shop; his very last installment’s
Receipt is signed and torn off – on the final day to pay

A passenger says excuse me, just as she’s finished spewing
When a cabbie’s having a bad run, a coffin takes a final nail
Drunks move slowly past him; the queues are moving faster
Next time he’ll take no chances, at the hint of a face so pale

CHORUS

Lonely Alexander, in darkened city back streets
Entranced by foreign banter and the sense of a world away
From the backroom Turkish men’s club, a thick aromatic smokescreen
No English will be spoken, just tobacco and coffee craved

CHORUS

Archbishop Ferdinand, once a humble clergyman
Takes a trip down memory lane, in the parish his career began
Flashing lights distract him, if only for a second
Ticking off his checklist, to recall his roots or be damned
Track Name: Dandy at the End of the World - Les Goolies
Everyday I take a bus to the Evacuation Centre
I wear my top hat, twirl my cane, greet the dispossessed there
The finest threads distinguish me from the drab and the ordinary
Money is a grubby business but leisure is my calling


Pre-Chorus
I’m a dandy at the end of the world

I’m ready for the water rations, my bucket has pride of place
It’s simple and it’s elegant, I fetch it home with grace
I’m stocking well up on cosmetics, prepare for supplies to finish
I parade in front of ruffians and blow the soldiers kisses

CHORUS
I’m a dandy at the end of the world
I was born to play this part
I’d be seen dead nowhere else
I’m a superhero dressed for the part

Come on down to the epicentre now the aftershock has settled
My sweet scent wafts right through for the volunteers assembled
I have no status or profession, trust me I believe in nothing
There’s always beauty to be found, especially in destruction

CHORUS
Track Name: God Can Save an Old Home Like Me - Home for the Def
Screaming hymns in Church, God forsaken noise
Got kicked out of home for being a pansy boy
Joined the Minstrel Medicine Show, on my way to hell
Donned a dress and I danced in the chorus girls

If it don’t fit, don’t force it
You can grease it make it easy
I think you know how to please me

I invented Rock n Roll, Rock n Roll is sex
Brought the youth of the nation and the races together
Come along with me brother, on my way to Hell
Have sex with my woman and with me as well


CHORUS
God can save an old homo like me
Wop bop a loo la wop bam boo
God can save an old homo like me
God can save you too


Angels held up my plane, glowing in the night
I saw fire in the sky, took it as a sign
Rock n roll it is evil, on my way to Hell
I gotta preach the truth, my God I nearly fell

If it don’t fit, don’t force it
You can grease it make it easy
I think you know how to please me


CHORUS
God can save an old homo like me
Wop bop a loo la wop bam boo
God can save an old homo like me
God can save you too

Wop bop a loo la wop bam boo
Tutti Fruity Good booty….
Track Name: As Long as I Keep Losing Arguments - Home for the Def
Take these so called indie bands, barely even up for a pint
I got mates who are builders, take the bar and drink it dry
I have to hear about their sell-outs, don’t you worry there’s a good chap
Everyone’s got to earn a crust, you got signed, now you’re trapped

CHORUS

Go on prove me wrong
My record is proof
My record is long
The proof’s in the songs

You know I’m never wrong for long
When I keep losing arguments
I’ll be writing songs as long
As I keep losing arguments


I have to put up with musicians, get in tune and on the beat
They miss the point, get all worked up, like they’re in it for the wrong reasons
I can hear what they can’t hear - listen hard, the moment’s gone
I don’t care how they find their way, they are servants to my song

CHORUS

Find a pub for an interview, but I’m banned form the lot
When I fired my whole group, I got charged with assault
You think I’m a drunken tramp, just a tramp sprouting nonsense
Get the drift, never deny, that is all I ever was
Track Name: Prison of Eternal Love - Andy Day
First time I got laid I was 16 years of age D/A x4
She was warm and alive I can’t complain “
I have thrown my heart and my money at tarts, “
Love your prostitute , feel no shame Bm A
Love her all the same Em A

CHORUS
What else could be so wholesome and spiritual D Bm
Only money can buy D A
Eternal Love D Bm
Free me from the prison of eternal (love) D A

Courtesans of class, 2 grand a blast
Or meatrack chicks a dirty thirty bucks
At home if it suits or a house of ill repute
Order your girls as prompt as pizza
Prompt as pizza comes

CHORUS

Bridge
Fall into a woman’s arms, don’t fall into her hands D/A x4
Order your girls as prompt as pizza comes Bm A
Prompt as pizza comes Em A


Mad not to pay for sex, in the end it costs less
No mortgage, children or divorce
And never legalise it, that’s why it’s exciting
Honest and simple, it’s for sure
Fun to break the law

CHORUS
Track Name: Stay at Home Dad - Home for the Def
CH
Now I’m the stay at home Dad E E
Behind every hard working wife n A C/B
I never wanted a job
I’m getting on with my life

He’s a rock musician without a band E B
He’s getting old now and he missed his chance
Wrote too many songs to know what to do with
Ask him what he does you’ ll hear excuses

I gave up my job – it stressed me out
Got something to say well, make it count
House, car, family, payments all attached?
There’s a work ethic spreading but I’m not catching it!

CH

I love my ideas when they come across
It’s just the delivery I gotta get on top of
We’re all puttin in but isn’t it strange
Hanging it hard but nothing seems to change

The land’s dried up the seas are rising
Everyone’s worried but no one’s got the time
Bring in the washing do the dishes on the sink
I sleep after lunch and this is what I think

CH…
Track Name: (Mind Your Own Business or Be) Ready to Fight - Roo Shooter
A young fish says to an old inmate
My man is this seat free?
He answers with his razor blade
See that kid’s face bleed
He tells you what to say
You better get it right
The Good Lord is his name
Unless you’re ready to fight

Find a candy bar in your room
Keep it safe or learn
There’s a predator who presumes
You’ll give him two in return
Then you’re a slave to be traded
His punk arse bitch tonight
You got yourself a new daddy
Unless you’re ready to fight

Chorus
Mind your own business or be ready to fight
Don’t stare, don’t snitch, keep a straight line of sight
Mind your own business or be ready to fight
For politics, religion and private life

Never let on to the screws (when)
You’re in the hole forever
When they finally let you loose
Then you take revenge
One full year you wait
Pull out a kitchen knife
Spit in the ol’ man’s face
Now you’re ready to fight
Track Name: To Be So Close To Genius - Sandy Cenin
He sits up the back of the tour bus
Like a football manager detached enough
To have a pint and be your mate sometimes
As far as the friendship extends you try
Play in other bands and you’re dead
Or show up late for line soundcheck
Support bands are pillaged
Like a centre forward’s gotten rid of

CHORUS
To be so close to genius, it’s a small price to pay
To be so close to genius, you play your instrument, I’ll play your mind


With a glamorous wife in all the magazines
Musician primary function wife secondary
Too much publicity is due recourse
His only option was to file divorce
Then 2 of us went and formed a couple
He sensed power axis trouble
Romances are frowned on
Only the boss is allowed them

Protecting my daughter from the skinheads he said
Get back up on stage and play your instrument
Pissed in all our cups before we came off stage
For the lads to all drink out of gratefully
Secretly records our conversation
Plays them back for interpretation
And the amusement of the crew
We’re blindfolded or abused
Track Name: Dandy Immortal - Matt Harris
I moved out of home and into the slum for a lurk
I want to be working class but I don’t want to work
When you do nothing you can never take the time off
Daddy set up a trust fund for me why would I stop him (I’m a dandy immortal)

Chucked out of college, my photo was plastered all over
Not allowed on the premises – famous at last it just shows ya
All art college taught me was marry a rich girl and use her
I already married one, I married yours truly (I’m a dandy immortal)

CHORUS
Conquer death, death in style
Conquer death, death in style
I’m a work of art and I’ll never die
Conquer death, death in style

Sex is a gutless surrender to death and decay
Shit is the smell of your death and it won’t go away
I embraced mortality, smothered myself in excrement
The intellectual insight caused an erection (so I tossed myself off to)

CH

(I’m a dandy immortal)

I gambled on Wall Street, see me dressed up to the 9’s
All the money I made’s more exciting than all it can buy
If I leave nothing of worth, least I’m dressed for the part
I went to the Phillipines for my final statement in Art (I crucified myself)

CH


(I’m a dandy immortal)
Track Name: Sweet Jesus in a Shopping Trolley - Rich Gohl
Invited to the buck’s night/never to the wedding
A compliment or an insult/to think I couldn’t care
Tomorrow is her day/I can’t be trusted not to spoil
I am in my element/it’s just me and the boys

If marriage is the death/into heaven you ascend
The stations of the cross/the pub crawl never ends
We lashed him to a crucifix/we could not bear his weight
Into a shopping trolley, Veronica/wipe the vomit from his face

CH
Sweet Jesus in a shopping trolley/Pass the Buck
Sweet Jesus, What a Wally/Can’t stand up!

We mark him on the buck’s night/test the principles of the bride
When the wedding photo’s taken/he should bear the physical signs
Indeed it is a sad man/who will not provide his mates
The chance to stop the wedding/ before it is too late

CH
Sweet Jesus in a shopping trolley/Pass the Buck
Sweet Jesus, What a Wally/Can’t stand up!
Track Name: Laissez La Pluie Tomber (Let the Rain Come Down) - Edithicaton
Dark skies are overhead and the waft of the wind’s enchanted
Like a tropical dusk after the clear air of the day
Above the din no need to speak, silence has been granted
No one else on the balcony, there’s nothing at all to say

CHORUS
Let the rain come down, let the sky open up
Water is rushing down the drain
It’s Heaven and Hell and the gutters will swell
Everything will soon be washed away

Taking moments in, before their memories I’m holding
Clear skies, warm dry days, children in the distance playing
Like a mirror to our faults, too consciously we mould them
I went to hold a little bit back, for myself to save

CHORUS

Pushbikes with flat tyres and a treehouse falling down
No children are here now, what is broken what can’t be mended
Like a mirror to our faults, now the silence passes
You can take the time now for the tears you never shed
Track Name: Steal 'n' Cheat - The Broken Leg Project
With a heavy load I make my way home
On a cold dark night maybe you’ll meet me there
What is mine to call my own

CHORUS
Cos I steal and I cheat everyday
And I’d kill to get my own way

Been pushed over here, shoved over there
It’s a mean ol’ world and I’m tryna belong
Whatever it takes it isn’t fair

If I told you the truth you’d be sure to freak
I show all my papers and I sign all the forms
Let you believe what you wanna believe

CH

How much longer can I hold out my hand
Every morcel I get’s another kick in the guts
You don’t even wanna hear my plans

CH

I’m the low down dirty scum of the earth
I got a vision I can’t put in words
I don’t deserve ya for all I’m worth

You’re sick of telling me I’m living a lie
I got a dream you gotta help me dream
Will you be waiting there for me tonight?

CH
Track Name: Born Again Virgin - Jo Zealand
I went to a party, the chicks all gathered round
Was I embarrassed to stand on virgin ground
I don’t need to be scoring, I’m on fire for God
Anal, oral or hand-shandy, whatever turns you on

Ch
I’m a born-again virgin/you’re out of luck
I’m hip to the scene/and the time to fuck

Sex is just like eating – she took fruit from the plate
Food is of the material world, sex is a higher plane
A communion and a threesome, God and Man and Wife
Come upstairs it’s heaven she said – take the express and ride

Ch
I’m a born-again virgin/you’re out of luck
Cop my wedding bed/and make Christian love

Bridge
Cleavage everywhere I turn my head
A woman jogger wears a skimpy vest
And a billboard’s selling chocolate as sex
As a schoolgirl’s vest pulls tight round her breast
tight round her breast


Ch
I’m a born-again virgin/you’re out of luck
I’m hip to the scene/and the time to fuck
I’m a born-again virgin/you’re out of luck
Cop my wedding bed/and make Christian love
Track Name: I Can't Stand the Suspense - Allan Holland
(D) On television, millenium’s end (I can’t bear the suspense)
Appeared a girl, something had to be said
She didn’t know (Bm)who what where how or (D)when (I don’t know where this will lead)
(G)And I can’t (Bm)bear, I can’t (A)bear the sus(D)pense

She’s in living rooms all round the world (I can’t bear the suspense)
She doesn’t want attention herself
But millions of people say what’s coming next (I don’t know where this will lead)
And I can’t bear, I can’t bear the suspense

It’s not funny you’re wound up in what is coming next Bm A G A
There’s a bit you always miss or never guess or get “

A twist always throws new light on events (I can’t bear the suspense)
When you ask again how the story ends
Once upon a time…there’s no punchline (surely she has more to tell)
Did you miss the bells chime 12?
Did you miss the bells chime 12?
Track Name: Wear My Shoes - Matt Harris
Wear my shoes for a lonely day
And yearn to be free again
Cry my tears in this empty room
Where we pledged forever friends
Tremble through the darkest night
Which we would once have shared
And feel the shame that I must feel
For abusing you when you cared

Feel my pain and understand
What drove me to my rage
Wipe away bitter memory
Think not of wasted days
Forgive my wrath and calm my brow
At last let me sleep
Knowing you’ll come to understand
Why I was so weak


Wear my shoes for a lonely day
And yearn to be free again
Cry my tears in this empty room
Where we pledged forever friends
Tremble through the darkest night
Which we would once have shared
And feel the shame that I must feel
For abusing you when you cared


Wear my shoes for a lonely day
Track Name: (What's a Man to do When He's Given a) Handbag - Jo Zealand
Chorus

What’s a man to do when he’s given a handbag, given a handbag?
What’s a man to do when he’s given a handbag, given a handbag?
What’s a man to do?

She goes to the toilet and leaves you there alone in the shop or bar
Fold your arms keep your cool, let rip with a noisy fart
Call a mate, talk cars, talk beer – for God’s sake talk about the match
Play with your balls, adjust them in your pants, give your arse a manly scratch

Chorus

Whatever you do, don’t look inside it, like you even care
Don’t ask anyone if it makes you look fat or put it on your shoulder to wear
Maybe just rummage right through it, what does she expect?
Pull out the lipstick, tampons, panty liners; teach the bitch a lesson
Track Name: Get Up and Take Your Leave - Western Branch
Every night down to the beach
I can see but I can’t reach
The more I look the more of a mess I’m in
Only ever replaying what could have been

CHORUS
Get up and take your leave
Dissolving all that glued you to the spot
Get up and take your leave
Or forever hold regret and not move on


The girl I kissed, a summer day
With my sisters not far away
They all knew I jumped right in at the deep end
At school I was 3 years older for her friends

CHORUS

Bridge

I still see her fading
I still see her fading now

Her mother died that same year
Forbidden pleasure our only care
She was gone we weren’t even there to say goodbye
At the funeral we couldn’t look each other in the eye

CHORUS

Bridge
Track Name: Faghag - Jo Zealand
Stefan has a razor sharp wit- it’s such a relief
He never wants to sleep with me – there are no secrets between us
We went to the school dance together–watch out here comes trouble!
But I wonder could I seduce him – we make such a handsome couple

CH
BFF – best friends forever/ I am you dressed in drag
BFF – best friends forever/ I’m your faghag and you’re my fag

Stefan hears all about my sex life – my Johnny’s just a jealous suck
He comes inside me in 2 seconds flat – I just need a good fuck
For me and Stefan’s imaginary son – Sammy Donut Junior
We buy a house and we get married – we gotta plan the future

Stefan really wants a boyfriend – he’s hanging out for sex
He gives me a full back massage – and leaves my Johnny for dead
I put my arm round Stefan’s waist – he freaks out like a total queen
If I could be a poofter too – I’d tell him how I feel

CH x2